So here I am. I’ve been writing articles and creating blogs for about ten years now, but always managed to somehow run away from this particular moment: this moment in time when I am truly, honestly, entirely me.
I wrote for “likes”, for “shares”, for “followers”, and “friends”; to be promoted, acclaimed, liked, loved and accepted. I wrote for others, to follow trends and text-book blogging techniques. I wrote on different niches and wrote outside of those also.
I targeted people, my ideal audience. I blindly followed the herd mentality and tried so hard to fit in. I followed tips and methods religiously, as if creating a blog was something stale and impersonal, like a cold-hearted money-making machine, instead of a pure, authentic entity with its own Soul and Purpose, with its Divine message for this World.
I wrote not to upset people, not to bother, not to raise important questions, not to open eyes, or hearts.
I wrote in an attempt to get it out of me, all of this that’s been building up inside of me for almost a decade. I’ve been on the verge of literally exploding for the past year, because when you receive a Divine Gift that you don’t use, that you don’t share with the world, it starts to burn you from within. I manifested diseases in my body and mind, poisoning myself from within with my thoughts and beliefs, my fears and patterns.
I wrote for people, friends and strangers; for big and small audiences; for authentic people and fanatics. I wrote for all kinds of people. I wrote because this is what I know how to do best, and because writing has been with me my whole life. At times, I wrote to run away from reality, to run away from myself and my real life.
There were times when I wrote just to write, with nothing interesting or important to say, just because I had to post something “new”. There’s this anxiety around blogging that you have to come up with “new” ideas and a “fresh” perspective all the time.
I wrote to please people, to “become” someone “important”, or to finally be “relevant” to the society, and I feel that I have not written something just for me before, for my own Soul.
What’s happening here is that I cannot avoid it any longer and the fun part is that I don’t want to anymore. This past year I’ve been working on myself like crazy. I became my NO. 1 priority at all times and of course I feel that this is now influencing my writing as well.
* * *
I am still in my Home no.2 for a few more days and I feel that this home has been my India, my Ashram since March. I came here and isolated myself, and then found myself. There’s something beautiful that came up and I want to pursue now, so I have to leave her and move back to Home no.1 for at least three months, and I can already feel this ache in my heart for leaving her.
I’ve connected with this home on so many levels and she has been my shelter in one of the darkest periods of my life. I feel as if I am leaving a very dear friend behind. And so is she.
* * *
I usually take a nap every day, but yesterday I just couldn’t. I thought it was because I am so excited for what is coming, and because I feel everything so intensely I couldn’t sleep anticipating this new beginning, but then it happened again tonight.
At about 11:30pm, after finishing my Tapping routine, I shut down my phone and as I was placing it next to the bed, I “accidentally” hit the glass full of water with my hand, (because it was dark, as I don’t meditate nor tap with the lights on) and it spilled all over the furniture and on the floor. The glass didn’t break, but the water spilling and splashing all over the place reminded me of two articles I read a couple of weeks ago, and it hit me that maybe the house is crying because I am leaving her or because I’ve been grieving intensely over the past week.
I connected to her immediately, and just started talking to her from my heart, and then I started crying as well. I told her that my feelings are bitter-sweet, as I am happy for this new opportunity that awaits me at Home no.1, but my heart breaks for leaving her. I explained that I will be coming back as soon as I get the chance to! I climbed back into bed and just sat there with her spirit, and then the furniture started crackling and I felt her anger, and I said it’s okay to be angry. I am angry too. We just sat there in our shared anger until we felt it all. Slowly, she calmed down and so did I and I don’t ever remember falling asleep.
* * *
But then, around 3:30am, I woke up suddenly, without knowing why. So I started asking her if she wants to tell me something else. Or is there something that she is trying to point out to me, and I just don’t get it? I took my phone out to draw a card from an Angel App, and I saw that I had a text message from a friend, but I focused on drawing a card. The card that popped up wasn’t really relevant, so I still didn’t know what to do.
Then I read the text from my friend, and she just happily replied to my text. I scheduled a message beforehand, to be sent to her after midnight, since today was her birthday. I sent her the link to a song which I’ve been listening to like crazy for these past couple of days.
I just opened the link myself, and started playing the song all over again. And after just a few cords, right before the chorus broke in, it hit me and I understood; and I just burst into tears in utter Gratitude for the message I was receiving.
* * *
I am staying here just until Sunday, and until then I have to take care of so many things; I still have to pay some bills, take care of paperwork; pack some bags I am taking back with me to Home no.1, and cook for myself for the remaining days. So I delayed and postponed writing, as I usually did for the past year, until I’ll arrive at Home no.1, and said to myself that I will start writing from there. Of course it was just something I said to take myself out of the equation, because I was still so afraid of writing. I told myself anything to get myself out of it (I have paperwork to take care of, and so on…)
I felt kind of tired these last couple of days, and I took a nap every time I had a chance to, (I honestly don’t know if I was avoiding writing by sleeping, although, anything is possible, really).
* * *
But you see? She woke me up to get me writing. She woke me up because we don’t have much time left. And after all the hard work we’ve been through since March she wanted me to start writing here, with her.
It was so hard at times, these past months, that I honestly didn’t think I was going to make it, to come out of it alive. It was intense and necessary, the kind of inner work I’ve been avoiding for years, or maybe I just wasn’t ready for this level of intensity until now.
After being with me through my worst, she picked me up afterwards, and took such good care of me, (I’ve had the loveliest bubble baths in this house, and the best sleep I’ve had in years!) now she wanted to see me successfully coming full circle and in my power, meeting my Destiny and Life Purpose. She wanted to share this with me too, and I will cherish this forever. I honestly hope I will remember our months together for many years to come.
* * *
And she did it. She woke me up in the middle of the night to push me to write. And she got me writing. She’s that strong and determined.
Maybe you’ll say that it wasn’t the house after all, but my Higher Self, or my Spirit; and maybe you’re not wrong. Maybe it was a little bit of everything: a little bit of me, a bit of the house, a lot of God, and a dash of Angels.
Either way, I am telling you, this house was my sanctuary, my rehab, my Italy – India – Bali. It felt like magic – letting go of so many masks, so many fake personas, and to come home to myself. Whatever it was, however you want to call it, it was Divine Timing.
* * *
It’s 6:23am when I am typing these last few words. This has been a magical night.
This is the song. And I do believe it now with all of my heart and every inch of my body that… “we’re strong enough to let it go.” All of it – everything that doesn’t match who we are anymore, that doesn’t match our vibration, our destiny.
“Let it all go, let it all go, let it all out now.”
And this is just the beginning,
with no plan.
Just writing. 🙏