Blue Eyes

I’ve been having rich dreams for as long as I can remember and lately they became even more interesting and beautiful, so my mama suggested I write them down on the blog, ’cause who knows? Maybe there’s a purpose to all of this.

I decided to name this dream “Blue Eyes”, because the memory of his eyes is the most powerful emotion I experienced in this dream. Even after waking up, I still see those eyes in my mind’s eye, every time I remember the dream.

In my dream, I am about 35 yrs old, I’ve lost some weight, I have blonde beautiful hair, and I teach yoga (or sports) to beautiful people (beautiful in their souls), aged between 20 and 40. There’s two of us, a man friend is there with me, and I just know in the dream that he is a good friend of mine and we teach sports together.

The studio is big with high ceiling and huge windows, lots of natural light to bathe in. The floor is covered with colorful yoga mats and from where I’m standing it all looks like a giant rainbow.

We have over 40 people enrolled in each one of our classes, so there’s a lot of yoga mats on the floor. My dream begins just a few minutes before starting the class and I see all of us warming up, casually talking amongst us, with a relaxed and friendly vibe setting up in the room.

Although there are over 40 people in there, I have this feeling that we know each other and that we are friends, like we spend time together outside the studio as well. I imagine, that maybe, we spent some holidays together, or went to other events together. The overall feeling is that we get to know our students and they are not just strangers who come in, sweat with us for 40 minutes twice a week and then leave — and maybe that’s exactly why they love coming back.

So while I was warming up and coming down on my yoga mat, a guy comes in, he’s new, I haven’t seen him before and I am very intrigued by him. First, I see his blue eyes and I can’t take my eyes off them. Then, I notice he is shorter than me, he is wearing a black t-shirt and I can see that his hands are covered with tattoos. (I’ve always thought about myself that I won’t date or be with a guy who has tattoos, but his just don’t bother me at all.)

I am hooked by his eyes, by his Soul, and while I can’t take my eyes off him, all I can think of is, “This man is so kind”. I  can feel his kindness through his eyes.

He looks me in the eye too and smiles at me. I feel somewhat awkward and intimidated, so I stop looking at him and I go down on my Child’s Pose. While positioning my body, I ask a girl who is sitting in front of me, on my right, if she knows him. I ask her who he is, but she whispers to me that she doesn’t know who he is.

I am now all the way into Child’s Pose, connecting to and stretching my body, with my eyes closed and my forehead relaxing on the floor. But when I lift my head gently off the mat, those beautiful blue eyes are right in front of me staring at me. He took the free mat in front of me to be closer to me while we teach the class.

We connected so intensely, that my colleague and friend noticed immediately, him knowing me so well. He whispered into my ear, asking me if I was up for it, to teach the class under these circumstances, and I nodded “yes”, so we began the class.

I tried so hard to focus on our students, on our teaching, on my body, but those blue eyes kept knocking on my heart’s door the entire class. Coming full circle, we ended the class back into Child’s Pose, and while we were down there I felt our finger tips touch. When we came up from the pose, we announced the class was over and everyone clapped with joy. People started talking to each other, picking up their mats off the floor and rolling them, and he approached me right away telling me just this, “I am so grateful for this blessed day in my heart”.

(I never asked him what was that all about, but I felt in my heart that he was talking about meeting me. I became grateful for him too, but only later in the dream.)

After meeting each other in the studio that day, we began dating and going out, but mostly just getting to know each other, becoming close friends first. The dream played itself fast forward and we were now many months ahead, when we talked about marriage and children and he totally surprised me by proposing to me in front of our friends. They were so happy for us. I saw some of my girlfriends crying and even the boys were so emotional that day. In the spur of the moment, I was excited and euphoric and I said “yes”, but after a few days I started to doubt my answer. Maybe I was rushed or hurried into something I wasn’t ready for.

I started overthinking every detail, but this turmoil kept growing only inside, since I wasn’t talking to anyone about my fears. I wasn’t sure if this was the right man for me, if I was the right one for him. I felt that we were hurrying and that things were escalating too fast. I wanted more time to just be together and enjoy each other at this stage of our relationship. The thought of marriage scared the shit out of me.

I knew I would break his heart if I said anything about this to him and I was so afraid to hurt or lose him, so I didn’t say anything about my concerns to him or anyone else.

Another fast forward into the dream and we were now married. He was super happy with me. We would meet our friends over the weekends, or go by ourselves somewhere nice and romantic to spend the weekend away from our busy lives. His eyes were still kind and blue, but I was not happy. In fact, I made myself miserable month after month, and after two years of marriage I just couldn’t go on with it, so I asked for a divorce.

* * *

I was happy again — free as a bird — but he was now miserable, unhappy, and depressed. He still loved me and talked so beautifully about me to all of our friends and they would all keep telling me how much he still loves me, but I just couldn’t believe it. I was not feeling it.

In this chapter of the dream, I was pretty much projecting from my own self and from my life. Up until now, I’ve had patterns and programs inside, which attracted only men who would use me and then eventually leave me. So at some point in my life, I developed an inner system to always be the one who leaves first — hurting, to avoid being the one who gets hurt.

In the dream, I did just the same. I doubted him and his love, I convinced myself that he will eventually leave me, so I left him first.

* * *

Another year or so after the divorce we stopped speaking to each other. I was getting ready for a new class in the locker room and people who used to be my friends were not even saying “hello” to me anymore. In the year after the divorce, they distanced themselves from me, blaming me for his unhappiness.

After the divorce, I took a break from my previous life and stopped teaching yoga as well, so this was my first class since being back. My colleague, my friend (the coach) from the beginning of the dream, remained my one and only friend throughout the dream. He was the one who suggested it might do me some good to return to the studio and begin teaching again.

I was a bit nervous and anxious for my first class, when he came into the locker room with a lavalier microphone and helped me attach it to my t-shirt. He said we will use this new system now, as it will help us teach better to over 40 people in such a big studio.

While he was attaching the mic, we saw through a sliding door that my blue-eyed guy came in the studio with a gal. I suddenly lost my courage for the class and told my friend I could no longer teach today’s class. He asked me if I wanted him to go say “hi” to him and check things out with him for me and I agreed. He left me in the locker room with the mic hanging around my neck and I watched my friend entering the studio to talk to my ex-husband.

I saw them shaking hands and my ex introducing the gal to my friend (the coach) and all three of them smiling and being polite. Our yoga students were already leaving the locker room to enter the studio, and I was left alone in the locker room. When I realised there was no one left with me in there, I allowed myself to cry and feel all the emotions of the day.

My friend the coach returned to me and told me she is not his girlfriend, only a friend who he brought to yoga and that he saw in my ex’s eyes that he was still very much in love with me. Seeing me cry like that, he told me to stay in the locker room, calm down and go home afterwards. He said that he cannot let me go out into the studio like that and that I am in no mood for teaching yoga tonight.

He insisted I should remain in the locker room, and left me there, as he needed to start the class. I didn’t understand my feelings and why I was so confused and in pain, after all, I was the one who left him, who ended our marriage. Through my tears and pain, I understood that I needed him in my life to heal my Heart and that, after all, I was in love with him and I loved him too. I needed to go through all of those emotions on my own in order to understand that this pain meant that I was actually healing.

I took a step towards the studio door, one step back to the bench; one step to go to him, one step to stay were I was. I was scared and ashamed. I broke his heart after all, and who could guarantee us, and him, that I won’t leave him again? How could I face him and ask him to forgive me, to give me a second chance?

I felt that I would only hurt him again if I were to approach him now, so I decided to let him go because I wanted him to be happy, even if I wasn’t the one to make him happy.

As I was letting him go from my heart, from my body, I leaned against a wall and pressed my back onto it, allowing myself to slide down, until I reached the floor. On the floor, I hugged my legs and pressed them to my chest and while I was sobbing, I started to talk to God.

“Dear God, I am so sorry I hurt this man. Please, forgive me. I now understand your lesson for me and how you used him to reach me, to teach me the lesson of Love. I now love this man with all of my heart, and I am asking you to take his pain away. Please dear God, heal his heart and help him love again, a good woman who will love him back and make him happy.”

After saying these words to God, I stopped talking and sobbed some more and while I was lifting my head to get some air, I saw him through my teary eyes. He came in the locker room and he had tears in his eyes too.

At first, I was a bit shocked, I didn’t understand what was going on, but after he talked me through it, I understood what God did for us. While I was pressing my back against the wall and sliding down, a button got pressed that turned the mic ON, so everyone in the studio heard my prayer to God, my blue-eyed guy included.

He told me that he recognised my voice and felt my love, so he had to come in and see me. He put his arms around me and lifted me up from the floor. We hugged and kissed, and this time I asked him to marry me in a heart bit. He said “yes”, and all of our friends from the studio barged in the locker room to congratulate us. Some of them even told me that they knew that we were made for each other all along, but had to wait for me to figure it out on my own.

If we were to explain this dream purely from the perspective of my own projections:

  • I am not a yoga teacher and I haven’t dreamed about becoming one either
  • I had never met a guy who could resemble the guy in the dream (kind, with pure love in his heart, a guy who is here to stay for good) — so this could be a projection of something I am wishing for deep down
  • I do think about not accepting tattoos — (this could be an old pattern/program I’ve heard when I was little, that only prisoners have tattoos. But then, there are also some other aspects, things I have decided on my own as an adult, like being against tattoos on my body. I’m just not sure about the guy being tattooed either…)
  • I do worry about (also a pattern/program) falling for a guy who is shorter than me
  • I kind of set up a timeline for me, that by the age of 35 I will have achieved some goals, so I guess that is why my brain chose this particular age in the dream
  • I loved being a blonde, up until six months ago when I stopped dyeing, because I wanted to fully come home into my body and allow myself to spend some time with my natural hair color, with the hair I was born with — to get to know it, to feel it (’cause I’ve been dyeing my hair since I was 15…)

* * *

But after talking about it intellectually, what I’m left with after this dream emotionally is that — when true Love will enter into my life, I don’t think the packaging will matter that much to me anymore. Short, tall; tattooed not tattooed; — if his heart is pure, his Love honest, and his eyes kind — he’s my guy. I know he’ll challenge me for the best, but if I can heal next to him, every stepping stone will be worthwhile.

* * *

I woke up with so much warmth in my heart from this dream and it has been staying with me ever since. I don’t know if it means anything, or if God was just being funny with me as he so often is these days, but I do know this:

When you are ready to come,
When I am ready to receive you,
I sure hope I’m gonna have my blue eyes open to see You,
and not the version of you that I want to see in the world.


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