Hi guys! This morning I posted on Instagram the shorter version of what happened, but throughout the day the feeling sunk in, and I felt more and more that I wasn’t doing any justice to this event by telling it on short. So, I am being guided to write to you the entire story here on blog, where we can go long. 😊
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But before we begin, I want to tell you another funny story. 😊 Last week, after planning my year ahead for the past two weeks (I actually began the last week in December), I identified a major blockage and was finally able to see it fully.
I was postponing beginning to write my blog because I was feeling overwhelmed.
There are so many moments worth writing about every day, so many lessons during each day worth sharing with you guys, and so many times God sends me His guidance throughout the day. I couldn’t handle it all!
How was I ever going to be able to share ALL OF IT with you?
And if I can’t write everything as it happens, how can I filter and decide what to write?
Because I cannot possibly write everything that’s happening. I can’t humanly write that much. It would mean that I would stop living and doing anything else, just writing what is happening.
How could I even dare to think I could play God and decide what to share and what not to share, because time would not allow me to write everything?
I felt I was disappointing God by not sharing all His teachings with you guys, so I just stopped writing altogether.
Until last Friday, on January 4th, when God delivered big time! (Like He always does! 😊) I was at my first Bowen therapy session of the year, and while lying in bed being super relaxed, I dozed off. And as I was waking up, the solution was waiting for me.
God knew I was struggling with this issue, not being able to write it all, so He found a moment when I emptied my mind and He was able to reach me. At first, there were only questions leading me up to reaching the answer myself.
He asked, “Where do you go to get inspired everyday?” I said, “Instagram“.
He asked, “Where do you read what Sazan writes about me? What Ella is feeling that day?”
“Instagram” I answered.
“So there you have it!” said God joyously!
The idea was to start posting my everyday thoughts on Instagram until the overwhelm dissipates. After I loosen up and find joy in writing again, I will pick up the blog and write here. But I had to start somewhere, even if it wasn’t my perfect ideal of writing a blog.
The solution was actually brilliant, because it took a lot of steam off! I felt so much pressure around this blog. I had so many thoughts, ideas, had no idea where to begin – I was exhausted way before actually starting this blog.
Of course, it didn’t offer me a long term viable solution, but it did its job, which was to get me started and off the ground!
I posted on Instagram for two consecutive days, and what you think? Today I have already felt the need to pop by here to write some more on the subject.
I get the feeling lately that we always think it will take us ages to arrive where we want to go, but once we start, the reality is that Life only needed us to take those first tiny freakin’ steps!
I rest assured now, fully knowing that I will feel and just know which stories to write longer, and which to just let you know about.
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So now back to the story. I wrote more about productivity in December on Instagram (if you are interested in reading some real life facts), but here I want to write extensively about the magic of this past Christmas in our home!
Sometime in December, we decided (my mama and I) to order sarmale (stuffed cabbage rolls) online, because they are not a traditional dish in our family in particular, and we’ve never learned how to properly make them, so we decided to buy them already made to enjoy them on Christmas Day.
They were made by a small business I totally love in town and all the food made by them tastes like Heaven, and I have already told people over time that, “When I eat their food, it’s like I can taste they put God in the food!“
The sarmale were delivered on Christmas Eve, so around 4pm on December 24th, they arrived into our home filled with that Divine Love. We had to taste them as soon as we got them and I was in charge of putting them in boxes for storage. As soon as I lifted the lid, I got soft tears in my eyes, and soon my cheeks were red and puffy. I could barely speak, but I managed to tell my mama that I can see all the women who cut the vegetables, boiled the rice, cooked the stuffing; all the women who made them by hand, one by one. I could feel their energy coming from the box and into our kitchen, straight into my Heart. I was so filled with Love and Gratitude, that I literally felt my Heart would burst any minute.
I couldn’t even eat right away, I just started praying and thanking God for everything He’s done – for all the Women who have worked for this Divine food, for the money to pay and say Thank You for their work, for the Divine feeling of being part of something bigger, something larger than just mama and I. I felt like in that moment, I was part of a larger group of women, brought together in Gratitude and Love for food, for Christmas. I am usually highly sensitive and I perceive A LOT that is going on around me or in the world and it’s unseen to the physical eye, but I don’t remember experiencing anything like this before. It was magical and I am so grateful I was given the chance to feel all the layers inside my heart. 🙌💓
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I was standing next to the kitchen table, with my hands and eyes above the boxes containing the sarmale, crying over them, when the heating machine behind me made that sound she makes when she is breaking down. I immediately recognized the sound, and when I turned around to look at her, the error message was already active on the display, and that was the end of it. It just stopped working. This was December 24th, Christmas Eve, around 4-5pm. No one worked anymore over at the service station. None of our acquaintances were able to help us in any way, apart from kind words and encouragements.
If you don’t believe in the power of thought, I think maybe you should…
Or take a lesson from my mama.
This has happened to us before, nine or ten years ago, we cannot remember exactly. Back then, we were living in a very different apartment, the energies over there were so different from where we live today. Almost everything was so different in our lives back then, and the heating machine broke just the same, on Christmas Eve, but don’t think we handled it pretty well back then. I remember being so angry and frustrated, and having thoughts about lack and uselessness.
After it happened again this Christmas (2018), mama told me she may have contributed to this, because she thought to herself, “Well, it can happen this year, I won’t mind. We have everything we need now and everything is so different now than it was back then.“
We used this opportunity to talk about how we were back then, and how much has changed in ourselves, in our lives over a decade later. I remembered that my thoughts were almost all related to a lack of money, and used to think that entire Christmas that, “This is why this happened to us, because we have no money!” I used to have this very deep and strong ‘poor mentality’.
Now, I realized, it had nothing to do with money. Really. This time, I had money saved aside in three different places, three sources would back me up if something like this would happen. But now, not even all the money in the world could change the fact that we were about to spend the Christmas days without heat and heated water.
It was not about the money.
The people who could fix the machine were on vacation and away on holiday, because this was that time of the year when people leave their work to be with their families and loved ones.
Mama remembered we still had an electric heater in the basement, so we went down and brought it in. We moved it around the house a lot, from room to room, to heat the bedrooms before sleep and the living room when we wanted to watch a movie and enjoy the tree. The kitchen was self sufficient, because we would just turn on the oven or heat some mulled wine, and it would get so cozy and warm all of the sudden.
The tricky part was the lack of heated water. The timing was almost hilarious… I just finished all the cooking, baking, and cleaning in the house when the sarmale arrived, so I detoured from the bathroom to smell them and see them upon arrival. I was about to get a long hot bath, to wash my hair and put some masks on my face, when the heating machine broke. This was the plan. Mama had already taken her bath, I was supposed to get mine, and then the both of us were to spend the rest of the night watching cozy Christmas movies, with mulled wine and cookies near the tree.
So now, what was I to do? To spend the Christmas dirty and stinky? (Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? 😂😂)
Mama helped and we heated water in pots on the stove and then we took everything in the bathroom. We were like scientists in a chemistry lab. 😂😂 I mixed hot boiling water with cold running water and saved it in a baby bath tub I have (for taking laundry out of the washing machine). Then with something small, like a mug, I poured water over my head, bit by bit, until I was finished washing myself head to toe.
I have to say – it was almost magical. It had this ‘return to nature’ feel to it.
I also realized this and talked to mama about it, I said,
“Mama, do you realize that this is pressing us just until it’s over? Once it’s over, we won’t even remember it happened.“
And it made me think and reflect back on so many subjects and things in my life that were only urgent, painful, or pressing while they lasted.
But nothing lasts forever.
This was our challenge between December 24th and 27th, so it lasted short of three whole days. It brought up so many things I was blind to until then, so many things I refused to see about our world.
What about those who don’t have water at all?
What about those who live their day to day life without heat, or running water?
It made me open my heart towards these parts of life and it made me want to get involved more in 2019. So I have placed this desires and intentions onto Papa’s hands and I prayed about it, to have my eyes open to see where He will show me to go and do the work that needs to be done.
We donated a lot before Christmas, but that’s not nearly enough.
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When it happened I smiled and I told Papa to bring His challenges and lessons to me, because this time I will not fail Him, I will not let Him down. I told Him to show me what Life has in store for us this Christmas, and to be rest assured that it will only strengthen my Faith in Him, my Love for Him – and so it was. 💓
I’ve got out of this Christmas closer to God than I’ve ever been, with my heart filled with Love and Gratitude for everything He does for us, for this relationship I have with Him.
We (mama and I) watched a lot of comedies during this time, because I said that if we laughed, maybe we won’t feel the cold that much – and so it was.
We drank a lot of mulled wine and apple punch, because I said that if we get hot on the inside, maybe we won’t feel the cold that much – and so it was.
We hugged and kissed and cuddled even more than we usually do, to keep each other warm and loved, because I said that if we don’t have heat in the house, we should turn up the heat in this other House, the one that we build for ourselves, our mama-daughter relationship – and so it was.
December began and as the days went by and we got closer to Christmas, I said to mama one night that my wish for this Christmas was for it to be one filled with Warmth, Love, and God
– and so it was. 💓 Beyond my wildest dreams.